Diary of a Dog

"Diary of a Dog"

This story begins circa mid to lower 1990's. This is how I see it all happening, despite the fact that I really don't know the very beginning of it all. She was a small mut of a puppy, who had a little bit of Beagle in her. Her master was a man. This man almost always wore a hat and he often had a problem controlling his temper. He would get angry about all kinds of different things and when this little puppy looked up at him she thought to herself: "Oh no, here he comes again." Looking straight at him and knowing what was coming next, all she could see was the man's hat. He would beat her and she would yelp and run inside the confines of the gated yard that was her world. She was faster than he, but he could corner her and take his unhappiness out in a brutal way. This went on for about a year, but for this 1 1/2 year old puppy it felt like a decade. If only she could get her freedom.

Mr. Brutal wasn't the brightest light bulb in the pack. Due to his tendencies toward violence, he didn't really have any friends or family. One day after Mr. Brutal came home from a hard days work, he realized that the next day the garbage men were scheduled to come by early. THIS, is what turned this little puppy's life around. While Mr. Brutal did remember garbage day and proceeded to take out the trash, he was so tired he forgot to close the gate.

Once the puppy realized there was a chance to escape, she took a leap of faith and ran out of the gate. It was especially scary for her because it was dark outside and she had never been out like this on her own. The world scared her. There were cars driving by, people talking and looking at her, and even from time to time people feeding her. This place was B I G. She instinctively made her way to the streets of Stafford, Texas. After a week of sheer survival, she was weary and just had to stop on the side of the road. Two people came by and looked at the pup, but moved on. Then, a good Samaritan picked her up and dropped her off at the SPCA.

Somewhere around the pups 2nd birthday a young married couple drove the approximately 50 minute trek from the Woodlands, Texas across the city of Houston to try and pick out a dog from the SPCA. The couple looked all through the available dogs and finally, the man suggested a Beagle mix that he thought met the requirements. After playing with the dog for a few minutes, the pups shyness, fright of men, and friendliness was evident. So, the couple thought about it and the man gave it a thumbs up. The young lady however, was not certain. As per a family policy that the couple had that they still adhere to today, (all big decisions made by this couple had to be unanimous) they left the SPCA that day without a dog. The couple went home and talked about the one dog they considered and the man argued the merits of adopting this dog. Still, the lady seemed unsure.

The next day while the lady was attending to other matters, the man slipped away and made the 50 minute drive right back to the SPCA. He went back to that same pup and pondered adopting the dog. He considered the fact that if he adopted the dog, he would have to be willing to give the dog up as this was a violation of the couples’ aforementioned policy on big decisions. The man thought for a moment and decided to adopt the dog. He drove the 50 miles home hoping that surprising his wife and having her see the dog again, she would be onboard. On this particular occasion, it worked out well for the man. When the woman arrived home, it was like she had met a whole new dog and was thrilled that the man went back and selected her. The dog was dubbed Carly, for no other reason than the man sat near someone at work that shared the same name. Although Carly was certainly housetrained, there were some mishaps along the way. The couple deduced from her behavior that she had very likely been abused by a man in a hat. It was their goal to rid her of her fears. She needed to know that when she was in OUR home, she always had a soft place to fall. She improved over the years, but I don’t think ever fully healed from the cruelty inflicted upon her. To the day of her death she had a tendency to cower if a man she wasn’t familiar with approached her. One problematic, but memorable moment occurred inside the couple’s apartment. The man had arranged for a friend to come over and they were going to play tennis at the apartment complex’s court. The man’s friend happened to be a big and husky guy. When the man’s friend arrived and went toward Carly to administer some pets, she ran onto the couch and proceeded to “soil” it in fear.

Carly was a valued member of the family as they hit many milestones in their lives. She was there when they bought their first house. She was there when the couple had their first child. She was there when they bought their next house. She was there when the man suffered through a serious illness. She was there when the lady went through some difficult times. She was there when they decided to move to live near family. Finally, she was there when the couples 2nd child was born.

It was right before the birth of the couples 2nd child though, that a severe decline in health seemed to become very obvious and sudden. In retrospect, the couple was probably distracted by the upcoming birth of their child and the business of life in general. Regrettably, the couple likely let the dog live too long and thereby, suffer. There were however, many considerations when determining to make the inevitably difficult decision of determining the death of their dog. Those aren’t excuses, but they are the facts. Making the decision for the man and his wife seemed to come quickly and easily. Their primary concern was how their 10 year old daughter would react. This is where the wife came through as she’s apt to do, and made a very wise decision. She elected to take the couple’s daughter with her for the “quality of life exam” as the man had referred to it. The couple was lucky in that the vet they took the dog to had just a couple months earlier put the man’s sister’s dog down as well. The vet, who had the name “Dr. Condolence” (not really, but it was an eerie last name and privacy must be protected), was exceptionally sympathetic and did an outstanding job of explaining to the 10 year old girl why it was time for the “dog to go to heaven.” The couple wanted to give their daughter some time to say good-bye. So, the euthanasia was put off until the day after Thanksgiving (4 days away). The man was surprised that he didn’t seem very affected by the decision that had just been made. Then, came the day after Thanksgiving......

Friday November 25, 2011, started off in what seemed a very odd way. The man woke up, got some work clothes on, and grabbed his shovel from the garage. The decision had already been made. The thought of Carly being incinerated horrified the couples ten your old daughter. The family was going to bury their beloved dog Carly in their backyard. The "site" was selected for viewing convenience so that it may be randomly checked for any disturbances from inside the house. The man knew from having done a substantial amount of planting that the surface in Central Texas was going to put up a big fight. He allotted 2 hours for digging the grave and it took all of that and a bit more. The 10 year old daughter helped the father as the persistent digging was an arduous task to say the least. Still, as they worked to reach their goal, neither the man, nor his daughter showed any emotion. After accomplishing their goal and the man getting a much needed shower, it was time for what the man later thought to himself of as “the drive to death.” The lady and her child specified that they did not want to go to the vet’s. The man picked up Carly, who was gently wrapped in a towel and placed her in the backseat. It was time for the lady and the daughter to say their good-byes. Both the lady and the daughter immediately began to sob, which in turn caused the tears to run rapidly down the man’s face. The lady and the daughter turned and walked back inside.

The man began “the drive towards death.” The man knew he only had a few minutes to think before reaching the Vet’s office. He continued to weep silently and made it to his destination in about 7 minutes. Upon entering with Carly, the man only stood for about 3 seconds when a “nurse” said, “I’m so sorry to keep you waiting. Come right in here. The Dr. will be right in.” The man put the towel on the floor and placed his dog on it and laid down next to her. At that moment the man thought to himself; “You waited too long.” The Dr. came in and asked if he needed more time. “No.”, said the man. The doctor explained the process and took Carly to get some sort of catheter so she would not have to feel the pain of a missed vein when injecting the needle. When the Dr. returned with Carly, she asked him again. “Would you like some more time with her?” “No.”, said the man. The Dr. injected the needle and it was over in about 15 seconds. She checked Carly’s heartbeat and simply said, “She’s gone.” The weeping continued, but only in silence. The man was instructed to move his car to a back door with some privacy and Carly was delivered to his car well wrapped and ready for burial. The man thought about stopping and thinking, but quickly decided to just drive straight home. When the man arrived at home with Carly’s body, his daughter and wife were waiting. Upon entering the house, the three of them all looked at each other and wept, this time out loud. It lasted but a few short seconds, and then the lady said, “Go ahead and put her back there and then come on back in.” The family’s first experience with putting a pet down was over. The man thought for a moment about the irony of having to put the dog down, just three weeks and one day after his wife gave birth to his son.

The Plan III

I finally moved out of my parents’ house. Since I wasn’t able to take anymore classes, I could finally work full time and get an apartment. I was aching for my own living space, so I didn’t waste too much time.

I found a roommate and a place in a location that I liked, and we moved in the summer of 2007. It was a modest place, not something that would impress a girl, but at least I had my own place and a friend to live with, giving me company and help with the rent and bills.

Still my life was nowhere close to where I wanted it to be. I was working 30 hours a week and involved in the grievance process, which wasn’t finalized until the spring of 2008. I wasted much of my free time sleeping in, spending unproductive time on the computer, and just going out at night. My life was definitely in a rut. I had no girls in my life nor any goals or ambitions to speak of. I spent too much time indoors with my blinds always shut, not because I was a hermit, but because I was hiding from life. Maybe this was because I felt embarrassed and ashamed. My apartment was a safe haven; a place where I could hide from the world, which had been cruel to me.

I didn’t even feel low or depressed during this time, but I wasn’t happy either. I was simply in a rut and floundering around. My job was comfortable and flexible. I had lots of free time, and other than the grievance process, my life was stress-free and easy-going. So instead of making productive use of all the time I had in my life, I wasted it by sleeping in and lying around all the time essentially doing nothing when I wasn’t working or eating. The only thing I looked forward to was Friday and Saturday nights when I’d be out partying and meeting girls. When I got phone numbers, I either never called them or if I did, waited too long,

I didn’t feel like any girl would want to date me or be a part of my life. When a girl did actually express interest in me, I had nothing to offer her. It was the summer of 2008, and I ran into her at a neighborhood bar. I had already gotten her number about a month before, but I never called her. We talked a bit at the bar and did some karaoke. At closing time, some of her friends proposed the idea of going for a swim in the apartments across the street where one of the guys lived.

We brought some wine and beer out to the pool and went for a dip. We had a nice relaxing time that summer night, but then came the question. I’ll never forget the question. We were having a romantic moment, when suddenly she asked me, “What are you worth to me?” And she wasn’t referring to money. I just told her that I didn’t know. I honestly had no good answer, and I could see the disappointment in her face. When she drove me back to my car, she now seemed distant and uninterested.

I remember one day deciding to visit the apartment fitness room, and this was a sign that the flame within me, while faint and diminished, was still lit. I looked at myself in the mirrors lining the wall of the fitness room and couldn’t believe how unhealthy and out of shape I looked. I was skinny, pale, and underweight, with atrophied muscles. I don’t think I had been in a gym or even exercised since living away at college. That was four years ago! How did I get like this?

My roommate was involved in community theater, not only acting in plays, but serving on the board of directors, and attending events and parties within that social circle too. At home, he spent time screening plays for future shows and rehearsing his lines, and after work, he’d be at rehearsals or the actual performances. He was doing something with his life and with his time. Why wasn’t I?

I needed something to shake things up and take me out of this rut. In September of 2008, that thing arrived in the form of a hurricane. It came without any hype or panic, and it came directly through Houston! I stayed over at my parents’ place during the storm, and as the hurricane was approaching, I walked around outside drinking a beer and enjoying the wind, and I could just feel that something was about to change!

The wind was starting to strengthen, causing the transformers on power lines to light up the sky. I went inside, and made a bed for myself in my mother’s closet, because I was so afraid to be near windows! It was a tough night to get much sleep. I could hear the winds howling outside with the pitch of the sound rising whenever there was a gust.

When it was all over the next morning, we had no power and no air conditioning, and the air outside felt dirty, humid, and tropical. That night we used radios and flashlights, and shared a neighbor’s generator for power. It felt like camping, but we were at home. It wasn’t easy to sleep that night either, but this time because of the humidity and mugginess that the hurricane had left over Houston. We had no a/c to cool us off! Thankfully, an early season cool front came through the next morning and pushed all the hurricane air out.

Much of the city remained without power for days, and for some even weeks. I was able to return to my apartment right away, because we shared an electric grid with a hospital, and they were first priority to get powered back up. Driving back home, I felt like I was in some desolate rural place, not the 4th largest city. Everything was completely dark!

A couple days later, I received a call from my manager that our office had water damage from the hurricane and that we would be closed for a week, but they were sending a number of us up to Omaha, Nebraska to work until our office was ready. All I had to do was say yes, and I would be out of town and in another state the next day… my first ever business trip!

It was the first time in over a year that I felt any kind of excitement, and just the reality shake-up that I needed. While I was in Omaha working, I felt alive again. I was having a great time, and experiencing life instead of hiding from it. I returned to Houston with a new frame of mind, happy and hopeful. I wanted to open the blinds on my windows. I wanted to sit outside on my patio. I wanted to go to the pool at my apartment and tan in the sun. I wanted to work 40 hours a week instead of just 30. About a month after the Omaha trip, our company moved into a new office right around the corner from my place. It was fresh and clean, and it had a very professional look to it. My company’s office upgrade paralleled my own personal change. Just prior to the office relocation, a co-worker who sat at the desk next to mine showed me an article in a magazine about attracting women. It really had me curious. I knew that I had a lot of potential, and I spent the past few years doing nothing to reach it.

Little did I know at the time, this article would spark an insatiable appetite for learning new social and attraction skills and an insatiable thirst for self improvement.

It was late 2008, and my lease was ending soon. My roommate had already made new arrangements, so I started talking to a co-worker about the idea of moving in with me, and we’d just extend the lease. He was interested. But something about that just didn’t feel right. I was looking forward now, no longer stagnating. I went out looking at some new apartments a couple miles north that had captured my eye. I got some information, took and tour, and fell in love with the place. I approached my co-worker about it at work, and told him that instead of taking over for my other roommate, how about we start over fresh and get a brand new place that has never been lived in before. He was still interested. It was meant to be. He was the kind of positive and motivational person I needed to get my life back on track, re-focused, and restored.

We moved in that December of 2008. The place was simply awesome! It had that fresh new smell, because everything was completely new and clean! It was the perfect bachelor pad for a couple guys in their late 20s and early 30s. It was a place that guests, and especially girls, wanted to visit.

Everything was looking up. I wasn’t putting the pieces of my life back together, I was building a life! I was gaining identity, purpose, and most importantly, control. I had an open attitude, much like when I moved away to college, only this time I was wiser,and had a new positive attitude unlike anything I had ever felt before! I could just feel my life going in a positive direction with no end in sight! I was never going back to the way things were. The year 2009 was a socially active year for me. I cultivated new social circles and had lots going on with family and old friends too.

There were several weddings and several funerals that year. There was a high school reunion. There were live music shows, since my new roommate was a local performing artist. We had guests or family over from time to time. There was always something going on.

My new roommate even had an electric keyboard piano, and I could write songs again! I was feeling perpetually inspired, and coming up with songs faster than I was able to put them together. It was like 2001 again, only this time my songs had a more positive tone, and more of a pop structure with lots of vocals. I dreamt of performing live music for a crowd either alone or with other musicians. We had a lot of good times that year. It was a great one.

We had only signed a year lease, and it eventually came time to discuss the future. I wanted both of us to stay and keep the good times rolling, but my roommate had a desire to move into the inner city where he spent a lot of his leisure time, and he was not planning to continue through another lease. This left me feeling disappointed, but I knew that I needed to be adaptable if I was going to keep things moving forward. I decided to stay and move into a one bedroom in the same apartment community. I loved it here too much to leave.

The year 2010 was phase two. I would now be living completely on my own, and I had a self-improvement plan that I was ready to implement, because I still needed a lot of work. My roommate had a positive and restorative influence on me in 2009, but now it was time to do this alone. It was time to put all this positive energy toward building a life, improving myself, reaching my full potential, and converting my passions and talents into real plans of action.

I felt a sense of power upon moving into the one bedroom apartment on New Year’s Eve. It was spacious and overlooked the resort-style swimming pool. I began what I called my TSI (Total Self-Improvement) Plan right away when I awoke the next day on New Year’s Day of 2010. There was so much I wanted to do.

I started waking up earlier, jogging and going to the gym, eating healthy foods, reading health and wellness magazines, reading self-improvement books, and investing hours each week into songwriting. I worked on my tan, improved my hygiene in every way I could possibly think of, and started gradually improving my wardrobe. I helped my musician roommate from 2009 with his music promotion business, and it gave me a feeling of professionalism. I was meeting girls, actually calling them now, and dating them. I had options, and it felt great. I was living on my terms now. I was enjoying life pro-actively. I spent time that year thinking about my career goals, as my talents and interests began to come clearly into focus. I thought about how my biggest passions were people, health and wellness, life coaching/inspiring others, and writing music. I was ready to “jump in” now, because I finally had some sense of who I was.

I am now 30 years old, and the great person I always knew I was on the inside is finally shining through on the outside. I just hiked 3 miles this past Sunday on some nature trails. Hiking is one of my newest hobbies, and I plan to add a few more. I’m participating in life, not hiding from it. I thank God, who is always in control of things, for helping me to take control of my life and to be the man He created me to be. Maybe it took me a long time, but it’s all part of God’s plan. I know I have a purpose, and I’m excited about what the future holds!

so much to look forward to