I knew all the things I would say to someone coming to me with this, I saw CLEARLY the TRUTH of what was happening and yet I could not stop it. I recognized with clarity the tape recorder in my mind, playing and replaying the hurt I had received, nursing it, as if I were a beginner in this wondrous spiritual journey. I tried to turn it off, using all the techniques I had learned over these many years, the Buddhist techniques, the Christian techniques, the Hannah prayers, the sitting in silence, the accepting of it and lifting it up to LOVE with tears and sobs, acknowledging I couldn’t do this by myself. I would gain some temporary relief and THEN there it was again, the old tape-recorder playing again, even in my half-asleep, half awake rest they tortured me.
WHY Oh my God? I know your sufficiency. Why is this happening to me?. I knew I needed help. Somehow I knew I had to struggle through this thing. It was a nightmarish week . I was finally able to get hold of some peace when the wounds opened again and the tape-recorder continued its taunts and condemnations, like a stuck record.
In the old days it was easy. I could justify my hurt and or anger and only see my side of it. But since TRUTH took up abode within me I am no longer able to do this. I see easily the other person’s side, their pain, and that adds to my own pain, that another may be hurting because of me. I tried to “patch things up” and ended up making a mess of it even as my heart bled for the other person.
I needed the consolation of forgiveness, of myself and of the other. I needed to retrieve beauty and goodness. In this case I knew I needed external assurance of God’s forgiveness and be washed again in His Love.
I called a dear friend…how we need faithful and true friends at times like this. I knew he had a spirit of love and mercy and wisdom. I believe God spoke through him, he said it might sound harsh, and I told him to “sock it to me“ not to hold anything back that was being revealed to his heart.
He said I was trying to play God and taking too much on myself, trying to be responsible for everyone else. But what he said that hit me right in my spiritual stomach was something Kubla Ross said. She said that anger and pain were GIFTS, their job to bring something to our attention that needed to be seen.
Even more wondrous, Kubla Ross said she only gives them 10 SECONDS then tells them (anger and or pain) “I thank you, I receive and accept your message… you have done your job, thank you , now return to the back of the filing drawer where you belong, for you are NOT in control here.”
This hit me so hard with its truth. Anger/pain are GIFTS but they must be where they belong, in servant-hood to us, not in control.
I was told to make three new records, positive ones, only about me, not about the person I was working on not being upset with, only me, whatever brings me back to my wholeness. These are the records that must be at the front of the file cabinet to pull out, positive wonderful stories about my TRUE self, for I am indeed loved and blessed am I who is so loved by my Creator, my Joy and my Bliss.
I am creating three new records right in the front of my mind/file cabinet , my favorite records, these are the ones to be in control. I believe that perhaps we can do the same thing with anxiety. I AM loved, I am a beloved child. I shall thank anger, pain and anxiety for being loving messengers …10 seconds only and then replace them in their proper place, in the back of my file-cabinet, until they are needed again to send me another message….10 seconds, and ten seconds only.
I will accept and be grateful for their message, they must carry out their assigned job, so they can immediately withdraw because I HEARD and ACCEPTED the message. Then I shall delight in the beauty of being a beloved child of the Universe…as we are all meant to be… WHOLE, ALIVE, AWARE, feeling LOVED and UNAFRAID, so LOVE can flow and flow, the Holy balm of Gilead.
make three new records, positive ones
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