Thursday, July 15, 2010

The Wonderful Life I

I am not really sure anymore about what time of day it is, but as I lay in bed weak, nauseated, and attached to an IV that has become like a third arm in the past few months, I can barely keep my eyes open. So far the only medication available for me at this time is working a double whammy on me. Supposedly it helps to keep me alive, but killing me softly at the same time.

I can hear very well. I hear all the crying in the other room. God forbid they do it in front of me for fear that I fall apart as well. I can also hear everything else going on around me near and far. I can feel this illness taking everything from me little by little. First my hunger then my weight and now experiencing other organs not working like they should or use to anyway, but I still have my mind and that is the one organ I know for sure is still working and I am trying so very hard not to surrender it.

As I have no choice but to allow A.I.D.S. to take over my body, all I can do is think night and day about the childhood friends it took from me in recent years and especially the one right from my arms. Rolando, Peter, and Michael, my buds, I am so proud to give recognition to the world. They are in heaven just waiting for me to join them.

For some Godly reason, and I would hate to think that I am the true meaning of, 'only the good die young', I was forsaken and fortunate to meet with the much awaited prolonged medication to provide a self defense toward A.I.D.S. to fight for a chance to stay alive. To this day, I miss them with all my heart even more steadily than the desserts miss the rain. I think of them daily and feel them, my guardian angels, watching over me.

Today, I am ten years plus H.I.V. undetectable and living a healthy life with some major side effects of course, but hey, at least I still have my mind and I am alive. It has always been a wonder to me as to why I survived and what exactly the meaning of this second chance of life is. As I live and breathe today, I continue to work my mind to the fullest and do as much as I can in life for myself and especially for others.

Somewhere deep in my heart I feel the call to help others. On a much larger scale as it has become a passion for me to achieve. Many wonder where my enlightening energy comes from and I simply reply, it is fueled by all the love and support of my friends and family, especially my parents. It is constant.

My second chance at life, as I like to refer it to, started in the late 90’s. I was forced to leave the corporate world due to the constant reoccurrences with my illness and all the side effects. It was also recommended for me to leave the cold climates of the Midwest. A.I.D.S. had taken its toll with my lungs and another pneumonia hospital visit could very likely be the big one. I took everyone’s advice very seriously and got the heck out of dodge and headed to the West Coast.

I was very fortunate to have a loving brother who opened up his home to me for the winter months in beautiful San Diego. He had no hesitation, and as a matter of fact insisted on me being there to help me with my recovery in a much better climate.

I come from a large family with five siblings. They have all shown much support before, during, and to this day. Without ever questioning my life style, they have always been there for me. It is the greatest feeling in the world. It is no wonder why I have always been able to just be me. We all live in different states. Through the wonderful upbringing of our parents, we all stay in constant touch with one another as if we lived next door.

After several years of sharing my life with the Midwest and the West Coast, at the age of 40, I made a decision to make San Diego my permanent home. It was a perfect opportunity for me to take advantage of regrouping and doing the things I had not accomplished while working and playing hard in Chicago. Now don’t get me wrong, I loved Chicago and it loved me, but San Diego opened it arms to me and showed me that the rest of my life starts here.

Still wondering why me, why was I fortunate to be granted a second chance of life. I figured out that this would also be a good place for me to begin setting some positive goals for myself to accomplish before the age of 50. That is how optimistic I was about being around for a long time. I was not going to let anything get in my way of making a much better life for myself.

With my new cocktail medication, that took a while to work on my recovery progression, I slowly started to inherit a strong sense of positive thinking that made me realize that I could never go back to change anything that has happened to me. I only strive on looking at the positive side of everything around me and use my mind to the fullest.

Eventually, the perfect cocktail designed amazed the doctors, but had to be changed constantly just to keep up with my speedy recovery.

First on the agenda of my goals was to finally allow a relationship in my life if the right man was really out there just waiting for me. Working two jobs and partying like a rock star never allowed me to really focus on a relationship, nor did I allow it to happen either. I was living in the fast lane and loved every minute of it.

Some ask me if I ever regret any part of my past and my answer is simply yes. I do not regret any of my past, but do wish that during the past ten years of my recovery, I could have been an inspiration to others who fought A.I.D.S. and lost. Today, I hope to make that a reality and show them as well as the world that life goes on and one living with H.I.V. can have a normal life with a little motivation and support. I have a persistent personality and will give it all I have to acquire whatever I set my self to do.

Getting back to my agenda, after exactly one year of living in San Diego and almost to the day, there I was minding my own business as I always do.

When I heard a voice from behind that said , “Excuse me, but do you come here often.” I turned around and said to myself, are you kidding me, and there, to my surprise, stood the love of my life.

Well, I’m not sure if those were his exact words...

live and breathe today

1 comment:

Classic Charm said...

You made my cry...and you are a beautiful soul!